Holidays can be fun, it can also be dreadful. Becoz when ur in school, u are too occupied with things u got to do. But when u have like 3 weeks all by yourself day in and day out...life gets to you. I hate it when i happen to recall my past. Th this i did, the things i should have done and things i never did.
I hate most at night. When the calmness of the night crawls up to you, with slow and soothing music shattering the air around you. U lay sitting on a chair looking to the sky, searching for the stars. When u found one, u recall a memory. Every single star i found, will recall ur memories.
I don't know why i did it or how i did it. But it hurts everytime that happens. I felt weak beyond help. Helpless as helpless can be. Its me against life. Regrets, misses, love, care, pride, achievement all come at once flooding my thoughts. Sometimes i wish i could share, but i realise nobody cares what i feel. In life you are on your own.
MAy it be good or may it be bad, u have to go through it urself. I used to think u can go through life with someone by your side. Wel that's what i made myself think to comfort yself at night. Nobody can escape the reality of life, ur ultimately alone in this wretched world. Betrayals, lust, jealousy, backstabbing, steping stones and all. People use people. We have to take care of ourselves and not get ourself harmed by these people.
I lost so many people in 19 years. People i cared most, people i loved. Some fooled me, others betrayed me. Some deceived me, others make fun of me. But i stayed true to myself. I never lost my identity. I keep persevering and progressing. I fall but i got up. But i didn't realise i've changed. For a caring individual to a heartless monster. I'm not proud of what i've become. I dont care like i used to. I don't love like i used to.
Told myself THEY caused me to changed. Undeniable but true. But ultimately, its me to blame. They may cause me to change, but i have the right to choose whether i wana change or not. It is clear that i chose to change and i regret it a whole lot. I don't wana be like this. I wan't to love with my wole heart, not only half of it. I don't want to be worry of how it might hurt me but instead i want to expect where love can take me.
Its not fair to some that i don't love them 100%. People who deserve my love 100% don't get it but those who don't threw it away. It hurts when i think of it. I wish i can forget all that has happened to me ad start anew. Love is so pure when u 1st experience it. U never want it to leave. I long for that experince, that moment where love struck through your heart and u fall deeply in love.
If anyone out there who could grant me my wish. Please i would never ask for anything more but to fall purely and deeply in love, with no worries and no regrets, when it hurts, i want to feel it killing me slowly, when it is joyous, i want to keep expecting more. True love prevails...
crawling back to you
Monday, April 02, 2007 <3
.:LoveMe:.
