crawling back to you
Monday, April 16, 2007 <3
.:LoveMe:.
Hai farhan...im sori bout watever happen to u but this is the last tyme im writing to u...and i mean it..!
Farhan....hes a great guy,
good temper,
swite..and great to be with...
Let me tell u how i get to noe this farhan..i hope this brings great memories to u too farhan...well it goes lyke this.. 4 yrs ago...
i was inside IRC juz doing noting...bored and stuff....then the guys name hoe appeared and we did talk for a while...he appeared friendly but then its tyme 4 me to go.Then...1 mth later...
i chat with him again..this tyme we pend the whole afternoon chatting with noone except us..then we xchange phone number..
The next day...he called me..and we went on talking2 untill bout a yr..but strangely during that tyme i never met him...so i dont mind...then after several mth…I fell for him..dont ask me why but I juz feel he is a great guy….but somehow there is sometink he does not noe bout me…during the first tyme I chat with him he does not noe that I am 12..not 15…and I gave him the wrong name as I don’t trust guys then…so I was afraid if I tell him the truth he will leave me…well after some self-encouragement I tell him through email…unexpectedly he took this easy and he does not mind…as I has told him the truth…so that is when our friendship grows…however during that time I believe that friendship is better than relationship…so we never have a relationship other then a good strong friendship…so he called me everyday and I felt if there is one dae he did not called me my heart will juz snap…hehe…pretty crapy…so he called me everyday and it goes until the end of my sec 1 life when in sec 2 he will be having his ‘O’ level….so I decided to loosen the phone calls and stuff….but wat I did not noe that while I am away from farhan..my attitude is changing as my world of friends is bigger and I actually ended up in a first real relationship in the beginning of the yr….so I did ignore him for a long time since I am too occupied with my ex for about 5 mths or so…when I broke up..i try to contact him again and he did reply back like he used to be…our friendship still goes on….then I kept doing tht to him…appearing in his life then disappear again….i noe I am a JERK! Playing with ppl life…but I juz wanna him to relize that I am juz good for him as a friend…but now sometink happen and I decided to end it….
I am very sorry and I will not be turning back or will take back my words….farhan somebody out there loves u a lot….and that is not me….so treasure it and plzz forget about me….
Sincerely,
Nur Hannah
(Putrinur shufishafika)
PS:The exact words she wrote to me. She who wrecks my life and left it just when i needed her most. She left without a care and happily with another man. Sad as it may seem but i know who i am. Someone who doesn't deserve to be loved the way he dreamt he could be.
crawling back to you
Friday, April 13, 2007 <3
.:LoveMe:.
Holidays can be fun, it can also be dreadful. Becoz when ur in school, u are too occupied with things u got to do. But when u have like 3 weeks all by yourself day in and day out...life gets to you. I hate it when i happen to recall my past. Th this i did, the things i should have done and things i never did.
I hate most at night. When the calmness of the night crawls up to you, with slow and soothing music shattering the air around you. U lay sitting on a chair looking to the sky, searching for the stars. When u found one, u recall a memory. Every single star i found, will recall ur memories.
I don't know why i did it or how i did it. But it hurts everytime that happens. I felt weak beyond help. Helpless as helpless can be. Its me against life. Regrets, misses, love, care, pride, achievement all come at once flooding my thoughts. Sometimes i wish i could share, but i realise nobody cares what i feel. In life you are on your own.
MAy it be good or may it be bad, u have to go through it urself. I used to think u can go through life with someone by your side. Wel that's what i made myself think to comfort yself at night. Nobody can escape the reality of life, ur ultimately alone in this wretched world. Betrayals, lust, jealousy, backstabbing, steping stones and all. People use people. We have to take care of ourselves and not get ourself harmed by these people.
I lost so many people in 19 years. People i cared most, people i loved. Some fooled me, others betrayed me. Some deceived me, others make fun of me. But i stayed true to myself. I never lost my identity. I keep persevering and progressing. I fall but i got up. But i didn't realise i've changed. For a caring individual to a heartless monster. I'm not proud of what i've become. I dont care like i used to. I don't love like i used to.
Told myself THEY caused me to changed. Undeniable but true. But ultimately, its me to blame. They may cause me to change, but i have the right to choose whether i wana change or not. It is clear that i chose to change and i regret it a whole lot. I don't wana be like this. I wan't to love with my wole heart, not only half of it. I don't want to be worry of how it might hurt me but instead i want to expect where love can take me.
Its not fair to some that i don't love them 100%. People who deserve my love 100% don't get it but those who don't threw it away. It hurts when i think of it. I wish i can forget all that has happened to me ad start anew. Love is so pure when u 1st experience it. U never want it to leave. I long for that experince, that moment where love struck through your heart and u fall deeply in love.
If anyone out there who could grant me my wish. Please i would never ask for anything more but to fall purely and deeply in love, with no worries and no regrets, when it hurts, i want to feel it killing me slowly, when it is joyous, i want to keep expecting more. True love prevails...
crawling back to you
Monday, April 02, 2007 <3
.:LoveMe:.
My life is drifting...that s the funny thing about time. It never waits for anyone. Time flies slowly when u'r feeling down and flies fast when ur having the time of ur life. The same with people i guess. My goals and my dreams have shifted...due to certain un expected events.
Some of them i can't accomplish and have nothing more to say. Some has to be postponed fo a period of time. And some even im not sure whether it can be accomplishe or not :)
But i noe one thing and that it will always be true. Perserverance and patience will be rewarded. Im going trough some tough times now. But im handling it my way. May not be the best of ways, but it works for me...
B.O.N still alive and kicking. ust need some life that is all. Few problems witin the team but nothing cant be solved. They are my brothers for life man...only they know what i've been through. No matter what...nothing or no one will ever separate us all.
Love? not the right time to discuss of yet haha not interested and not bothered. But those remains at heart will always reamin there 4ever. Don't worry hehe.
Family? like dat and will not chage much...will always be the same haha not that i'd change it or anything :) to tell you the truth im not in a mood to type anything now haha so forgive me if u don't comprehend :) let me just finnish by saying "Care...and never stop caring, Love...and never stop loving but Hate and always stop hating".
crawling back to you
Sunday, April 01, 2007 <3
.:LoveMe:.
